If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character... Would you slow down? Or speed up?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Finally home...

So today at work one of the first people I talked to decided that by lying he would get what he wanted from me. After talking to him for almost 5 minutes and getting nowhere he finally said "i have been lying to you this whole time" Like all the sudden if he told me that he had been lying i was going to do what he wanted me to do. Well without saying it didn't get him the results he wanted, instead he started screaming at me so I hung up on him, and for some reason that brought me to tears. I sat there while typing in my notes about the call and wondered to myself "Why am i letting someone that has no idea who i am affect me this way?" I ended walking off the floor for a few minutes so that I could collect my thoughts so that the next person that called could benefit from the information I could give them. But all day I keep thinking back to it... Why do people think that lying is an option? I cant say that I have never lied, because that in and of itself would be a lie. But every time that I have it has eaten at me and gotten down to the very core of who I am. Lying goes back to when our world first began with Adam and Eve, when Satan lied to Eve by saying that if she ate the fruit she would not die. So is lying human nature? Or is it something that we are taught? and why ... even after seeing the ramifications of our actions do we still keep doing it? and does lying make us a bad person? If we lie because we know that it will save someones feelings does that mean we are a horrible person? I want to say that even after questioning this that I will never lie again, but that, again, would be a lie in and of itself. I want to say that thinking about this for over 8 hours has made me realize how lying gets us nowhere and if anything it sets us back 10 paces. But I can't come to terms with that. I know that I will never lie to save someones feelings ever again, I have seen that one come back on me too many times. But I cant say that I will never lie ever again, I owe myself too much honesty for that one.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Starting out

So here I am, 18 (turning 19 in a couple of weeks), married to a wonderful man, and a mother to a beautiful 10 month old boy. I sit here and think to myself, where did things go wrong? Did they go wrong? I know that if I had the choice I would do everything all over again, maybe I would wait a couple years, get some education under my belt and invest in a home. But I would still marry the same person, and pray that I was still blessed with the same son. People talk about teenage pregnancy like it is one of the most horrible things to happen, and don't get me wrong I don't exactly endorse the idea, but sometimes this path can save someone from themselves. I know that it saved me from a path that too many people I know have traveled and become more lost in a jungle than they will ever be able to pull themselves from. But who am I to judge someone else for the choices they make? I know that I never want to be judge by the choices that have led me to where I am in life. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had these choices not been made, I wonder where I would be in life? Would I be happy with the person that I would eventually come? Would I have the motivation to persevere my dreams? I know there is a lot of talk about how things that happen in your childhood push you to go one way or the other in life, sometimes I have a hard time believing that though, and other times I cant seem to think any other way. Looking back in life I wonder how I could be so stupid, how I could throw away so many oppurtunities without a second thought about it. But maybe that was all just leading to this moment in life, this amazing, once in a lifetime chance. The chance to find true love and start a family. Like the title says, this blog is going to be a rambling for me. Its going to be a chance for inner reflection and analyzing of self. It is going to be a chance for to fully understand the person that I have become, good and bad of it all. I dont imagine that I will accomplish much, nor will I remember to write daily like I should. But every day that I do write, I want to come out a better person with a better understanding. So to all that wish to come along, welcome to the journey. Keep all body parts inside at all times and please remain seated until the end of the ride.