If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character... Would you slow down? Or speed up?

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I found this…

when I was going through an old notebook of mine today, I came across a poem that I wrote back in ‘07 and felt it was one I needed to share.


We are not angels. We do not believe we are better, nor do we believe we are worse. But we do believe we are equal. We do not judge based on appearance or gender. We do not look down at others because of disabilities. But we do take every action or word into consideration. We accept the weird, the strange and the unusual. We let everyone in with open arms, only if they are willing to help out their neighbor in a time of need. We are known as a threat. We are known as the downfall of our country. Yet we are not, we will bring this country back. We are the youth.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


I am MOM hear me ROAR! Hehe. For some reason while I was writing this post out at work (yes, the old fashion way with pen and paper) that first sentence would not leave my head. NO matter how many different intros I tried to write down, non of them felt quite right.

Yeah, that felt good. I feel like that, no matter how insignificant that may appear or sound to you, it really portrays my whole message. I’ve talked about not knowing who I am, or not truly knowing who I was. I’ve talked about trying to find myself and all the different ways that I thought I had accomplished the daunting task that no one is really sure they ever conquer. Looking back, I have never known who I was, or even who I was going to be. I have honestly never really had even the slightest hint on an idea what this life has in store for me, until the other night.

Of course it took an epic battle of mind and soul to realize I have found my niche, something that has been right in front of me for over 2 years. Something that has been coming for even longer. Something that has always been destined for me, even when I was choosing to be completely blind to it. But back to my epic battle of mind and soul.

We wont get into the details, because those can extremely boring all involved. But in the scheme of things I was told that I am an offensive person and that I cause fights and keep them going. Out of all the things that I have been called or accused in my life, those little words should have seemed miniscule in the bigger picture. But they hit home, they hit the deepest part of me and would not stop resonating inside of me. I removed myself from the situation and the words still hung around me. I felt like I had failed at the one thing I had been doing since I was born, living. I had failed at all the key roles in my life. I could no longer be a daughter, a sister, a wife or a mom. I was no longer a fit in my life or in the lives of those around me. I was broken person and I was bringing down those around me. I had shattered into a million a pieces and I knew the perfect solution to save those I was so badly affecting. I was going to disappear.

It sounded great. I packed my bags, I grabbed only the essentials and left everything else. I could barely see because the tears were free flowing and clouding my vision. I wrote a letter to the 2 men of my life with a shaky hand and a breaking heart, then I set forth on my new life. In my mind this was the best option that my son had at having any chance in life. By the time that I reached my car, the tears had mostly stopped and I could see better. When I went to throw my bag in my back seat, my sons car seat was in the way and it hit home that I could never see him again. It hit me that this was really happening, all the times that I had thought about it were nothing now that I was acting on it. I got behind the wheel and I left, not knowing where my car would take me.

I was running away from my problems, figuring that it would fix everything for all involved. I got a text not too long after i left, that my son had been looking forward to seeing me when he got home and was disappointed when I wasn't there. I was still convinced though that me not being there would be better for him. I had sold myself on the idea that if I wasn't around his chance of making it out of this place would be so much better.

After lots of tears and lots of confessions on my part to Mr..Coty i decided to turn around and go home. Although I am still not so sure if I am the best person to raise my boy, I will try my hardest and keep praying along the way.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

(Insert Title Here)

In high school I had so many different titles that I gave myself. I was a “maggot”, a “juggalo”, there were times that i called myself “straightedge”, or even “indie”. At some points during those amazing years I considered myself to be a “prep”… then I went to the other end of the spectrum and was “Goth” for a while. I covered everything afore mentioned and all of the in between. But to me none of them were just a “phase”. They all defined me… the defined me in that moment and who I thought I was going to be for the rest of my life. There were so many times that I found a new social clique to be a part of and I thought to myself “This is it, this is where I want to be in life. This feels good” and then like any other teenager I moved on to the next best thing to lighten my days.

I was so sure so many different times that I knew who I was… That I had found self by dressing a way or acting a way. But no matter what I did I couldn't fight the empty feeling that kept creeping up inside of me. No matter what I did, something just didn't feel right. It is so interesting to look back and think of all those different phases and how I would change to fit the “scene” of the time. It is so funny to think that during high school I really had no clue who I was, but in junior high I can remember telling a boy “It is better to be hated for who you are then loved for who you are not” Why is it that as time went on my sense of self depleted? Why is it that as time continued I lost who I truly was, why couldn’t I hold on to my own shining light?

When I left high school, I became a social deviant in a way. I had dropped out of the one place that had shaped me to who I was becoming. Only when I left high school though did I truly start to understand who I was going to be. I hadn’t become that person right away, because as we all know, change takes time. It took time for me to throw away all the preconceived notions that society had set forth in my head. I was starting to realize that I didn't always have to be the life of the party, but at the same time I didn't have to be some secluded, stuck in the corner type of person. I could be an in-between and no one would fault me for that. I had a lot of help coming to this realization, and words cannot express how thankful I am to those around me for that.

Right when I was starting to understand who I was going to be my world shifted. That person that I could have been was whisked away from me, and I had a new destiny laid out before me. I was going to be a Mom and a Wife. I no longer had the leisure of being myself. I had expectations that even though they may have never been verbally requested, they were socially demanded. I don't put the blame for this on anyone else. It is something that I am more than a part in, but is something that I have had a hard time accepting.

At work this afternoon I was asked what motivates me, and I of course said my family, my coach wrote down “Motherhood” and I had to stop him. I told him my back story and how I still have a hard time when I am referred to as “mom”, don't get me wrong, I love my role but hearing sometimes brings me to reality. I then told him to scratch out motherhood and write “momhood”. Mother makes it sound like someone who knows what they are doing, who was more than prepared to take that step and had a complete comprehension of what they were getting into. I am not that person. I am a confused and scared little girl inside that is in a whirlwind of a life right now.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I’m …..

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz.
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.

I'm CHRISTIAN, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST, so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.
I'm a DANCER, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a Goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I have BIG BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm CZECH, so I MUST love beer and sausage and be stubborn.
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.
I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm a SKATER, so I MUST do weed and steal stuff.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST only wear black and date only other punks.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7.
I'm MIXED, so I MUST be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm WHITE born in a black area, so I MUST think I'm black.
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm FRENCH, so I MUST smell horrible.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon.
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I have some ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs/nuts.
I'm a METALHEAD so I MUST worship SATAN.
I read COMICS, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE, So I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse.
I'm a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist.
I'm FRENCH so I MUST be snotty towards everyone, wear a striped sweater, and say "Oui, oui!".
I'm a CROSSDRESSER, so I MUST be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep.
I'm a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I MUST be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I'm WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE.
I'm not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser.
I care about the ENVIRONMENT... I MUST be a tree hugging hippie.
I CHAT ONLINE, so I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins.
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion.
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology, therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I'm A WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick and I MUST worship the devil.
I like YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast.
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm STRONG, so I MUST be stupid.
I'm AUSTRALIAN, so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos.
I go to RENAISSANCE FAIRS, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I LOVE MARCHING BANDS, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and/or SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistake.
I DON'T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems.
Now, what has gone wrong in our world? Why do we need labels. None of this is true per-say... I don't believe that, because you're this, you have to do that. Be who you are! And be proud!


So…. i found this on a forum somewhere and in all honesty its not even what I was looking for. But it really got me thinking as I went through and bolded out all of the ones that apply to me. It made me think about how many times we look at someone and before anything happens, we judge them. We get pre conceived notions in our head that we have been cultured into thinking. I cant say that I am immune to this, because I’m not but I would like to think that I will work on being better because you never know what battles someone is having and its not our place to judge them for that, leave that up to God.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Summer Days

So it has been a long time this the last time I was here. I cant really make many excuses other than to say that I have been thoroughly enjoying the summer days. Until 2 days ago I was working a full time job as a Call Center Supervisor, but I was working one of the worse shifts possible, I would go in at 1:30 and get off at 10.  007So the morning were dedicated to my little guy, since Mr. Rohan was at work during the day. Even when my day was completely devoted to him, sometimes he decided it was time for a break. I cant say that I blame him, we had quite an adventure this summer. We went on a 7 day cruise with his Papa, Nan, Aunt Rina, Aunt Jamie and Uncle Jordan to the Southern Caribbean. It was so much fun and definitely something I will never forget, although I’m not sure Jaiden will remember much other than what he sees in pictures. But that is ok.

It has been so crazy to watch my family grow this year. We have had our difficult times, but we are stronger because of them. There were times I was scared that we were staying together for all the wrong reasons, but as time goes on I realize that is so far from the truth. 002I realize that me and Mr. Rohan are more than perfect for each other, we need each other. We fit together so well that sometimes it scares me.  We can create together something that is so much more than either of us and I LOVE it! I know that I talk a lot about how Coty and I have problems and how even though we do I know that we are meant to be and how much I love him even though I don’t sometimes. But I only do that because it is something that I am learning every day. I am learning that things don't have to be perfect 24/7. I am learning that everyone has their flaws. I am learning that love isn't finding someone who is perfect but being able to look past their flaws and see them as being perfect.

My favorite activity this summer has been watching my son grow. He is turning 2 in just over a month and it is crazy to think where the time has gone. He jabbers soooo much, but still isn;t making full sentences and I am ok with that. I know that one day he is going to come up to me and have plenty to say. He is definitely aSummer Days stubborn child… I am not quite sure where he gets that ;). He is so much fun to watch grow and start to understand things. He loves rocking out on his guitar and he is quite the site to see when he is doing that. He is a very handsome little boy… and I am praying that I will be able to give him the life he deserves.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Background noise….

I started working again this week. Crazy to think it had already been 3 months since I had last worked, crazy to think that I have had to leave my son with my sister for the past 3 days (she is an amazing babysitter and I trust her with my everything). Crazy that I have to get up in the morning and getting ready to go somewhere and interact with the outside world.

It is so nice to go somewhere and not have people know who you are. I have been known to wear my emotions on my sleeve, so going somewhere and interacting with people that don't know me. I can go there, put a smile on my face, talk to people, make jokes and no one will really know the turmoil that may be going on inside. Now I am not saying that there has been major emotional turmoil behind these eyes.. but its nice to go and not have the expectations to up and chipper and running around.

Its nice to fade into the background and not have to lead the bunch…. even though that is probably going to change soon seeing as how I’ll be a supervisor in a sense….

Monday, May 3, 2010

What is True?

On my last blog I briefly mentioned God, and what comes to mind when you think about Him. I have been fighting internally with myself for some time. I do consider myself a very spiritual person, but religious … that was something that I could never come to terms with. 

I keep leaving this blog open, and coming back to it. There is so much inside of me, such a conflict of my own mind. I want to be able to go somewhere and better my relationship with God. But I am so afraid of the looks, the whispers, and the judgment. I know deep inside that all of those things from other people do not matter, yet I cant get my mind past it. Why do we care so much what other people think, in the end it is really all down to one Judge.

This Sunday, will be my first step in seeing if the Truth is really out there… wish me luck.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Cross that…

So I feel like I need to post something, I feel like I need to get stuff off my chest. I just don't know what I want to post about or relieve myself of. I’ve been sitting here almost all morning with my Blog Writer program open, and I’m staring at a blank page, and it’s staring me back and I think that it just might win.

Sometimes I feel like I have all these thoughts in my head, waiting to escape, waiting to show my true feelings. But I keep them in, because people wouldn't understand, because I am afraid of the reality. They stay locked up, threatening to explode from my body at any moment.

Sometimes there are so many thoughts running around inside of there, that I cant even keep track of them all. So how would I get them out?

I love life. I love the freedom that I have been granted, I love the country that I am blessed to live in.

I love that I have been able to make it to where I am in life. I never thought that this is where I would be, that I would settle down and have a family that I am taking care of. I never thought that if I did get this that I would be happy, but let me tell you I am ecstatic.

I know that it sounds cheesy, but its not. Its truth.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Jokes on you…

Nope, jokes on me. Today I walked out on my family. I called it quits. I ran away from my problems and almost didn't look back. I almost started a new life with no regrets. But I couldn't just leave, I couldn't get that image out of my mind.

I felt weak in the moment of heat. I felt like I was going to be crushed under the pressure. I had to escape before everything came caving in.

I tried to run, I tried to make it all go away. But He wouldn't let me. He told me that they would be waiting for me when I was able to come home. He told me that he loves me and that they were outside waiting for me.

Someone recently asked me how He makes me feel, I really had to think about it, because I wasn't sure about how to put it into words. I'm still not sure that I have it down to a science, but let me give it a try…

He makes me feel like I could fly if I really put my mind to it. He brings up my spirit when it wants to fade into darkness. When I want to run, He reminds me what will be waiting for me when I decide I can make the journey back home. He puts the bounce in my step, and the sparkle in my eyes. He gives me love that I have never experienced before. He is my rock, my support, my thinker when I cant. He doesn't always know what He is to me. But to be honest, He is my everything. find perfection

Friday, April 16, 2010

Another day of Cleaning

Let me just start out by saying that I HATE cleaning :( I love the result and I love the feeling of relief after it is done, but I hate the process. The only time that I really enjoy cleaning is when I am in a bad mood, but I haven’t had any of those moments lately. My husband sent me gorgeous flowers the other day, for no reason other than to remind me that he loves me. My son is growing and learning so many new things. Just yesterday he tried to climb out the window. I couldn't help but laugh at it. Everything in life has been going great.. and now that I say it and once I post it to the web, everything will change. The cosmos have a way of doing that for me. Oh well, I will roll with the punches and throw a few back myself.

I went and visited my mom yesterday, she is doing so well!!! Hopefully she will be coming home on Sunday. Hence the reason for all the cleaning, and its deep cleaning. You know the kind when you get down into the baseboards and you move major kitchen appliances to make sure that you got everything. Thank God that I have sisters that are willing to spend their Saturdays helping me to make sure that this house is turned into a castle for Mom’s big arrival. My mom is a queen and has definitely proved that lately. 


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

New life

For almost a month now, my mom has been in the hospital. She went in for a relatively easy procedure, and ended up having a heart attack and had a quintuple bypass surgery. It was a fight to even get her to go in for the original surgery, because she feared being cut open, and who can blame her? We are all blessed because she was in the hospital at the time of the heart attack, had she not been we would of all thought she was just asleep. I could never accept the fact that we were so close to losing my mom but she did only have a 10% chance of making it at one point. Then it really hit home when one of the nurses talked about our “near death experience in the family”. That was hard to hear. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever listened to.

I’ll admit that i have never fully appreciated everything that my mom does for me. If you would have asked me 4 weeks I would have had a different answer though. Not having her here has been one of the hardest things, it has made me really have to step up 023around the house.

So here I am stuck in the house all the time, making sure that things are taken care of, and I am missing this wonderful weather that we are experiencing!!

Let me just say that I love the fact that my son can be outside in just a diaper and not be freezing. I am really starting to appreciate life and I thoroughly enjoy that factor :D

Well now its onto more laundry, scrubbing, dusting and things of that nature. I hope you all have a good day and a better nights rest.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Those that live in glass houses….

Should not throw stones. I just experienced something that I never thought I would have to deal with. I had someone who I thought was my best friend, someone that I was going to be in her wedding line, someone that I have trusted some of my deepest secrets with, very publicly and very rudely decide to end our friendship. She pulled her fiancé and Mr. Rohan into the mix, which was unfair and totally not called for because they have talked lately… sorry if it wasn’t as lately as she would like. I don’t understand where the tirade came from, or why it happened. All I know was that it was made to be public, and it was embarrassing. 

I said my apologies, and obviously that wasn’t enough this time, and due to the publicity and down right nastiness of what was said, my older sister commented on it, which she had every right to do. She had every right to voice her opinion on a matter that was between two people obviously living very different lifestyles.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Just Smile

My son is now 17 months old.. and gets into everything that his little paws can touch. Just last night he brought grandma’s glasses into to grandpa… broken, and now this morning he decided that the vase on the end table wasn’t necessary any more and pushed it onto the floor, needless to say shattering it to pieces. Like I said… he is getting into to everything and anything and he is loving to test my patience.  But I cant help but smile. I am so blessed to have him. I sit here and watch him and his father reading books before bed time and I wonder how we created something to magnificent, so smart, so independent, so beautiful. I want to know how I got here in life.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Free Will?

So .. I haven't posted for a little while and I know that I am slacking. So I do apologize if anyone is out there reading this. A lot of things have happened this past couple of weeks, I lost my job, my husband got the worse news that a husband could get and my baby boy could possibly be lactose intolerant. I am 19 and here I am dealing with the struggles of the world on my shoulders. I often wonder why God allowed this to happen to me.. but then I decide that blaming this on God is not fair. He gave us free will for a reason, and I am the one who chose to exercise that option. I often look at my friends and envy their lifestyles, I often thirst for the opportunity to go out last minute, to date any guy that they choose, to not have to worry about bills, and if there will be enough money this month to make it. I often look at all my friends and crave the carelessness that they lead their lives with. Then after having a few moments to myself I take a step back into reality and see my son playing with the dog, or my husband showing him how to play guitar hero and I realize that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. I realize that even though God gives us free will, he also has a plan for us, that he doesn’t put anything in our paths that he knows we can’t handle. What I question frequently is do we put ourselves in places that we know that we can handle, or do we put ourselves in places that we want to prove that we can handle, to show everyone “wrong”. Did I get pregnant at such a young age to show my family that I am more mature than they have ever given me credit for? Did I get into a serious relationship to prove to all those guys that left me that I am worth staying with? Did I fall in love with Him to prove to myself that I am worth something, that I am worth being with and that I can be loved? Or did this all happen because we are truly meant to be? Because we are destined to be together, and no matter what comes our way we will survive it? I guess that there are still heaps of things that I don’t understand, and I don’t think that I want to right now. I have too many other things to worry about :D

Thursday, January 21, 2010

What is in a name?

Daughter -

Main Entry: 1daugh·ter Pronunciation: \ˈdȯ-tər, ˈdä-\ 1 a : a female offspring especially of human parents b : a female adopted child c : a human female descendant

Sister -

Main Entry: sis·ter Pronunciation: \ˈsis-tər\ 1 : a female who has one or both parents in common with another 3 a : a girl or woman regarded as a comrade 4 : one that is closely similar to or associated with another

Friend -

Main Entry: 1friend Pronunciation: \ˈfrend\ 1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : acquaintance
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group 3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity) 4 : a favored companion

Wife -

Main Entry: wife Pronunciation: \ˈwīf\ 1 a dialect : woman b : a woman acting in a specified capacity —used in combination <fishwife> 2 : a female partner in a marriage

Mother -

Main Entry: 1moth·er Pronunciation: \ˈmə-thər\ 1 a : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women 3 : maternal tenderness or affection


So I just got a new laptop.. and its pink :D. Looking back I never would have thought that I would ever get a pink laptop. That didn't used to be my style.. and now it feels like pink defines my world. I have a pink phone, a pink tank top on, and now a pink laptop. When I say that pink defines me it feels so cliché.. but so right at the same time.

Looking back I used to be such a depressed person, and I am not saying that I am not the happiest person on the world now, but things definitely are looking up.. or at least I’d like to think so. I think about my teenage years, not that I am out of them, and I wonder how I got where I am… I was the one that always wanted to be free, always wanted to be going at the spur of the moment and I couldn't handle being held down. And here I sit, watching my son play with his grandparents while my husband is in the kitchen working on his laptop. I am as tied down as you can get, and I am loving every moment of it.

A few years ago I questioned everything my parents did as something to spite me, or ruin my plans, or make it so I couldn't live my life. On many occasion I wanted to run away, and on a few occasions I tried. My parents yelled and screamed and wouldn't have it. I thought they were the worst people in the entire world, I thought all they wanted for me was to suffer in silence.

I know that I was making a suffering for myself, I was creating my own personal hell within something that could have been a heaven. My parents never asked many questions until I put up a red flag that made them question, and those are the times that I fought the most. My parents trusted me, though I never really gave them reason to. I lived a life that most teenagers would dream of, but I wanted more. I wanted my parents to ask questions about my day, when the school didn't call because I was in all my classes, but no matter what I did I never got that from them. I wanted them to wonder about my life when things were up and going good, but they never blinked an eye to it. They were only interested when it came to things that caused an uproar, I didn't show up for multiple classes in the middle of the day, I got caught trespassing, my old best friend calls and lets them know that she saw me smoking. Those things I quickly learned got that attention that I sought so fiercely, so I used it to my advantage. That stage of my life was a black stage, a stage that looking back I dont care for and a stage that while living I wanted out.

So now here I sit; 19, married, and a mother. I live with my parents and we struggle every month to make it. Yet I cant help but smile, I love where I am in life. I love the person that I have chosen to live it with, I love that little man that is too smart for his own good, or maybe for my good and I work at a decent place with a decent income. I am discovering more and more about myself and making sure that I dont let the good things slide out of notice. I have come to love myself which has made it easier to love those around me. I have tried to take all that negative and turn it into something more, something productive and so far its working. I still have a long journey ahead of myself, and it looks scary. But I have a partner at my side and family in the flanks.