If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character... Would you slow down? Or speed up?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Background noise….

I started working again this week. Crazy to think it had already been 3 months since I had last worked, crazy to think that I have had to leave my son with my sister for the past 3 days (she is an amazing babysitter and I trust her with my everything). Crazy that I have to get up in the morning and getting ready to go somewhere and interact with the outside world.

It is so nice to go somewhere and not have people know who you are. I have been known to wear my emotions on my sleeve, so going somewhere and interacting with people that don't know me. I can go there, put a smile on my face, talk to people, make jokes and no one will really know the turmoil that may be going on inside. Now I am not saying that there has been major emotional turmoil behind these eyes.. but its nice to go and not have the expectations to up and chipper and running around.

Its nice to fade into the background and not have to lead the bunch…. even though that is probably going to change soon seeing as how I’ll be a supervisor in a sense….

Monday, May 3, 2010

What is True?

On my last blog I briefly mentioned God, and what comes to mind when you think about Him. I have been fighting internally with myself for some time. I do consider myself a very spiritual person, but religious … that was something that I could never come to terms with. 

I keep leaving this blog open, and coming back to it. There is so much inside of me, such a conflict of my own mind. I want to be able to go somewhere and better my relationship with God. But I am so afraid of the looks, the whispers, and the judgment. I know deep inside that all of those things from other people do not matter, yet I cant get my mind past it. Why do we care so much what other people think, in the end it is really all down to one Judge.

This Sunday, will be my first step in seeing if the Truth is really out there… wish me luck.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Cross that…

So I feel like I need to post something, I feel like I need to get stuff off my chest. I just don't know what I want to post about or relieve myself of. I’ve been sitting here almost all morning with my Blog Writer program open, and I’m staring at a blank page, and it’s staring me back and I think that it just might win.

Sometimes I feel like I have all these thoughts in my head, waiting to escape, waiting to show my true feelings. But I keep them in, because people wouldn't understand, because I am afraid of the reality. They stay locked up, threatening to explode from my body at any moment.

Sometimes there are so many thoughts running around inside of there, that I cant even keep track of them all. So how would I get them out?

I love life. I love the freedom that I have been granted, I love the country that I am blessed to live in.

I love that I have been able to make it to where I am in life. I never thought that this is where I would be, that I would settle down and have a family that I am taking care of. I never thought that if I did get this that I would be happy, but let me tell you I am ecstatic.

I know that it sounds cheesy, but its not. Its truth.