If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character... Would you slow down? Or speed up?

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I found this…

when I was going through an old notebook of mine today, I came across a poem that I wrote back in ‘07 and felt it was one I needed to share.


We are not angels. We do not believe we are better, nor do we believe we are worse. But we do believe we are equal. We do not judge based on appearance or gender. We do not look down at others because of disabilities. But we do take every action or word into consideration. We accept the weird, the strange and the unusual. We let everyone in with open arms, only if they are willing to help out their neighbor in a time of need. We are known as a threat. We are known as the downfall of our country. Yet we are not, we will bring this country back. We are the youth.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


I am MOM hear me ROAR! Hehe. For some reason while I was writing this post out at work (yes, the old fashion way with pen and paper) that first sentence would not leave my head. NO matter how many different intros I tried to write down, non of them felt quite right.

Yeah, that felt good. I feel like that, no matter how insignificant that may appear or sound to you, it really portrays my whole message. I’ve talked about not knowing who I am, or not truly knowing who I was. I’ve talked about trying to find myself and all the different ways that I thought I had accomplished the daunting task that no one is really sure they ever conquer. Looking back, I have never known who I was, or even who I was going to be. I have honestly never really had even the slightest hint on an idea what this life has in store for me, until the other night.

Of course it took an epic battle of mind and soul to realize I have found my niche, something that has been right in front of me for over 2 years. Something that has been coming for even longer. Something that has always been destined for me, even when I was choosing to be completely blind to it. But back to my epic battle of mind and soul.

We wont get into the details, because those can extremely boring all involved. But in the scheme of things I was told that I am an offensive person and that I cause fights and keep them going. Out of all the things that I have been called or accused in my life, those little words should have seemed miniscule in the bigger picture. But they hit home, they hit the deepest part of me and would not stop resonating inside of me. I removed myself from the situation and the words still hung around me. I felt like I had failed at the one thing I had been doing since I was born, living. I had failed at all the key roles in my life. I could no longer be a daughter, a sister, a wife or a mom. I was no longer a fit in my life or in the lives of those around me. I was broken person and I was bringing down those around me. I had shattered into a million a pieces and I knew the perfect solution to save those I was so badly affecting. I was going to disappear.

It sounded great. I packed my bags, I grabbed only the essentials and left everything else. I could barely see because the tears were free flowing and clouding my vision. I wrote a letter to the 2 men of my life with a shaky hand and a breaking heart, then I set forth on my new life. In my mind this was the best option that my son had at having any chance in life. By the time that I reached my car, the tears had mostly stopped and I could see better. When I went to throw my bag in my back seat, my sons car seat was in the way and it hit home that I could never see him again. It hit me that this was really happening, all the times that I had thought about it were nothing now that I was acting on it. I got behind the wheel and I left, not knowing where my car would take me.

I was running away from my problems, figuring that it would fix everything for all involved. I got a text not too long after i left, that my son had been looking forward to seeing me when he got home and was disappointed when I wasn't there. I was still convinced though that me not being there would be better for him. I had sold myself on the idea that if I wasn't around his chance of making it out of this place would be so much better.

After lots of tears and lots of confessions on my part to Mr..Coty i decided to turn around and go home. Although I am still not so sure if I am the best person to raise my boy, I will try my hardest and keep praying along the way.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

(Insert Title Here)

In high school I had so many different titles that I gave myself. I was a “maggot”, a “juggalo”, there were times that i called myself “straightedge”, or even “indie”. At some points during those amazing years I considered myself to be a “prep”… then I went to the other end of the spectrum and was “Goth” for a while. I covered everything afore mentioned and all of the in between. But to me none of them were just a “phase”. They all defined me… the defined me in that moment and who I thought I was going to be for the rest of my life. There were so many times that I found a new social clique to be a part of and I thought to myself “This is it, this is where I want to be in life. This feels good” and then like any other teenager I moved on to the next best thing to lighten my days.

I was so sure so many different times that I knew who I was… That I had found self by dressing a way or acting a way. But no matter what I did I couldn't fight the empty feeling that kept creeping up inside of me. No matter what I did, something just didn't feel right. It is so interesting to look back and think of all those different phases and how I would change to fit the “scene” of the time. It is so funny to think that during high school I really had no clue who I was, but in junior high I can remember telling a boy “It is better to be hated for who you are then loved for who you are not” Why is it that as time went on my sense of self depleted? Why is it that as time continued I lost who I truly was, why couldn’t I hold on to my own shining light?

When I left high school, I became a social deviant in a way. I had dropped out of the one place that had shaped me to who I was becoming. Only when I left high school though did I truly start to understand who I was going to be. I hadn’t become that person right away, because as we all know, change takes time. It took time for me to throw away all the preconceived notions that society had set forth in my head. I was starting to realize that I didn't always have to be the life of the party, but at the same time I didn't have to be some secluded, stuck in the corner type of person. I could be an in-between and no one would fault me for that. I had a lot of help coming to this realization, and words cannot express how thankful I am to those around me for that.

Right when I was starting to understand who I was going to be my world shifted. That person that I could have been was whisked away from me, and I had a new destiny laid out before me. I was going to be a Mom and a Wife. I no longer had the leisure of being myself. I had expectations that even though they may have never been verbally requested, they were socially demanded. I don't put the blame for this on anyone else. It is something that I am more than a part in, but is something that I have had a hard time accepting.

At work this afternoon I was asked what motivates me, and I of course said my family, my coach wrote down “Motherhood” and I had to stop him. I told him my back story and how I still have a hard time when I am referred to as “mom”, don't get me wrong, I love my role but hearing sometimes brings me to reality. I then told him to scratch out motherhood and write “momhood”. Mother makes it sound like someone who knows what they are doing, who was more than prepared to take that step and had a complete comprehension of what they were getting into. I am not that person. I am a confused and scared little girl inside that is in a whirlwind of a life right now.