So I just got a new laptop.. and its pink :D. Looking back I never would have thought that I would ever get a pink laptop. That didn't used to be my style.. and now it feels like pink defines my world. I have a pink phone, a pink tank top on, and now a pink laptop. When I say that pink defines me it feels so cliché.. but so right at the same time.
Looking back I used to be such a depressed person, and I am not saying that I am not the happiest person on the world now, but things definitely are looking up.. or at least I’d like to think so. I think about my teenage years, not that I am out of them, and I wonder how I got where I am… I was the one that always wanted to be free, always wanted to be going at the spur of the moment and I couldn't handle being held down. And here I sit, watching my son play with his grandparents while my husband is in the kitchen working on his laptop. I am as tied down as you can get, and I am loving every moment of it.
A few years ago I questioned everything my parents did as something to spite me, or ruin my plans, or make it so I couldn't live my life. On many occasion I wanted to run away, and on a few occasions I tried. My parents yelled and screamed and wouldn't have it. I thought they were the worst people in the entire world, I thought all they wanted for me was to suffer in silence.
I know that I was making a suffering for myself, I was creating my own personal hell within something that could have been a heaven. My parents never asked many questions until I put up a red flag that made them question, and those are the times that I fought the most. My parents trusted me, though I never really gave them reason to. I lived a life that most teenagers would dream of, but I wanted more. I wanted my parents to ask questions about my day, when the school didn't call because I was in all my classes, but no matter what I did I never got that from them. I wanted them to wonder about my life when things were up and going good, but they never blinked an eye to it. They were only interested when it came to things that caused an uproar, I didn't show up for multiple classes in the middle of the day, I got caught trespassing, my old best friend calls and lets them know that she saw me smoking. Those things I quickly learned got that attention that I sought so fiercely, so I used it to my advantage. That stage of my life was a black stage, a stage that looking back I dont care for and a stage that while living I wanted out.
So now here I sit; 19, married, and a mother. I live with my parents and we struggle every month to make it. Yet I cant help but smile, I love where I am in life. I love the person that I have chosen to live it with, I love that little man that is too smart for his own good, or maybe for my good and I work at a decent place with a decent income. I am discovering more and more about myself and making sure that I dont let the good things slide out of notice. I have come to love myself which has made it easier to love those around me. I have tried to take all that negative and turn it into something more, something productive and so far its working. I still have a long journey ahead of myself, and it looks scary. But I have a partner at my side and family in the flanks.
