Momhood

I am MOM hear me ROAR! Hehe. For some reason while I was writing this post out at work (yes, the old fashion way with pen and paper) that first sentence would not leave my head. NO matter how many different intros I tried to write down, non of them felt quite right.

Yeah, that felt good. I feel like that, no matter how insignificant that may appear or sound to you, it really portrays my whole message. I’ve talked about not knowing who I am, or not truly knowing who I was. I’ve talked about trying to find myself and all the different ways that I thought I had accomplished the daunting task that no one is really sure they ever conquer. Looking back, I have never known who I was, or even who I was going to be. I have honestly never really had even the slightest hint on an idea what this life has in store for me, until the other night.

Of course it took an epic battle of mind and soul to realize I have found my niche, something that has been right in front of me for over 2 years. Something that has been coming for even longer. Something that has always been destined for me, even when I was choosing to be completely blind to it. But back to my epic battle of mind and soul.

We wont get into the details, because those can extremely boring all involved. But in the scheme of things I was told that I am an offensive person and that I cause fights and keep them going. Out of all the things that I have been called or accused in my life, those little words should have seemed miniscule in the bigger picture. But they hit home, they hit the deepest part of me and would not stop resonating inside of me. I removed myself from the situation and the words still hung around me. I felt like I had failed at the one thing I had been doing since I was born, living. I had failed at all the key roles in my life. I could no longer be a daughter, a sister, a wife or a mom. I was no longer a fit in my life or in the lives of those around me. I was broken person and I was bringing down those around me. I had shattered into a million a pieces and I knew the perfect solution to save those I was so badly affecting. I was going to disappear.

It sounded great. I packed my bags, I grabbed only the essentials and left everything else. I could barely see because the tears were free flowing and clouding my vision. I wrote a letter to the 2 men of my life with a shaky hand and a breaking heart, then I set forth on my new life. In my mind this was the best option that my son had at having any chance in life. By the time that I reached my car, the tears had mostly stopped and I could see better. When I went to throw my bag in my back seat, my sons car seat was in the way and it hit home that I could never see him again. It hit me that this was really happening, all the times that I had thought about it were nothing now that I was acting on it. I got behind the wheel and I left, not knowing where my car would take me.

I was running away from my problems, figuring that it would fix everything for all involved. I got a text not too long after i left, that my son had been looking forward to seeing me when he got home and was disappointed when I wasn't there. I was still convinced though that me not being there would be better for him. I had sold myself on the idea that if I wasn't around his chance of making it out of this place would be so much better.

After lots of tears and lots of confessions on my part to Mr..Coty i decided to turn around and go home. Although I am still not so sure if I am the best person to raise my boy, I will try my hardest and keep praying along the way.

(Insert Title Here)

In high school I had so many different titles that I gave myself. I was a “maggot”, a “juggalo”, there were times that i called myself “straightedge”, or even “indie”. At some points during those amazing years I considered myself to be a “prep”… then I went to the other end of the spectrum and was “Goth” for a while. I covered everything afore mentioned and all of the in between. But to me none of them were just a “phase”. They all defined me… the defined me in that moment and who I thought I was going to be for the rest of my life. There were so many times that I found a new social clique to be a part of and I thought to myself “This is it, this is where I want to be in life. This feels good” and then like any other teenager I moved on to the next best thing to lighten my days.

I was so sure so many different times that I knew who I was… That I had found self by dressing a way or acting a way. But no matter what I did I couldn't fight the empty feeling that kept creeping up inside of me. No matter what I did, something just didn't feel right. It is so interesting to look back and think of all those different phases and how I would change to fit the “scene” of the time. It is so funny to think that during high school I really had no clue who I was, but in junior high I can remember telling a boy “It is better to be hated for who you are then loved for who you are not” Why is it that as time went on my sense of self depleted? Why is it that as time continued I lost who I truly was, why couldn’t I hold on to my own shining light?

When I left high school, I became a social deviant in a way. I had dropped out of the one place that had shaped me to who I was becoming. Only when I left high school though did I truly start to understand who I was going to be. I hadn’t become that person right away, because as we all know, change takes time. It took time for me to throw away all the preconceived notions that society had set forth in my head. I was starting to realize that I didn't always have to be the life of the party, but at the same time I didn't have to be some secluded, stuck in the corner type of person. I could be an in-between and no one would fault me for that. I had a lot of help coming to this realization, and words cannot express how thankful I am to those around me for that.

Right when I was starting to understand who I was going to be my world shifted. That person that I could have been was whisked away from me, and I had a new destiny laid out before me. I was going to be a Mom and a Wife. I no longer had the leisure of being myself. I had expectations that even though they may have never been verbally requested, they were socially demanded. I don't put the blame for this on anyone else. It is something that I am more than a part in, but is something that I have had a hard time accepting.

At work this afternoon I was asked what motivates me, and I of course said my family, my coach wrote down “Motherhood” and I had to stop him. I told him my back story and how I still have a hard time when I am referred to as “mom”, don't get me wrong, I love my role but hearing sometimes brings me to reality. I then told him to scratch out motherhood and write “momhood”. Mother makes it sound like someone who knows what they are doing, who was more than prepared to take that step and had a complete comprehension of what they were getting into. I am not that person. I am a confused and scared little girl inside that is in a whirlwind of a life right now.

I’m …..

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz.
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm CHRISTIAN, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST, so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.
I'm a DANCER, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a Goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.
I have BIG BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO.
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm CZECH, so I MUST love beer and sausage and be stubborn.
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.
I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm a SKATER, so I MUST do weed and steal stuff.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST only wear black and date only other punks.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7.
I'm MIXED, so I MUST be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm WHITE born in a black area, so I MUST think I'm black.
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm FRENCH, so I MUST smell horrible.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon.
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I have some ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs/nuts.
I'm a METALHEAD so I MUST worship SATAN.
I read COMICS, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE, So I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse.
I'm a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist.
I'm FRENCH so I MUST be snotty towards everyone, wear a striped sweater, and say "Oui, oui!".
I'm a CROSSDRESSER, so I MUST be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep.
I'm a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I MUST be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I'm WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE.
I'm not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser.
I care about the ENVIRONMENT... I MUST be a tree hugging hippie.
I CHAT ONLINE, so I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins.
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion.
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IMMATURE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology, therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I'm A WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick and I MUST worship the devil.
I like YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast.
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm STRONG, so I MUST be stupid.
I'm AUSTRALIAN, so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos.
I go to RENAISSANCE FAIRS, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I LOVE MARCHING BANDS, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and/or SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I AM FRIENDS WITH A CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistake.
I DON'T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Now, what has gone wrong in our world? Why do we need labels. None of this is true per-say... I don't believe that, because you're this, you have to do that. Be who you are! And be proud!

 

So…. i found this on a forum somewhere and in all honesty its not even what I was looking for. But it really got me thinking as I went through and bolded out all of the ones that apply to me. It made me think about how many times we look at someone and before anything happens, we judge them. We get pre conceived notions in our head that we have been cultured into thinking. I cant say that I am immune to this, because I’m not but I would like to think that I will work on being better because you never know what battles someone is having and its not our place to judge them for that, leave that up to God.

Summer Days

So it has been a long time this the last time I was here. I cant really make many excuses other than to say that I have been thoroughly enjoying the summer days. Until 2 days ago I was working a full time job as a Call Center Supervisor, but I was working one of the worse shifts possible, I would go in at 1:30 and get off at 10.  So the morning were dedicated to my little guy, since Mr. Rohan was at work during the day. Even when my day was completely devoted to him, sometimes he decided it was time for a break. I cant say that I blame him, we had quite an adventure this summer. We went on a 7 day cruise with his Papa, Nan, Aunt Rina, Aunt Jamie and Uncle Jordan to the Southern Caribbean. It was so much fun and definitely something I will never forget, although I’m not sure Jaiden will remember much other than what he sees in pictures. But that is ok.

It has been so crazy to watch my family grow this year. We have had our difficult times, but we are stronger because of them. There were times I was scared that we were staying together for all the wrong reasons, but as time goes on I realize that is so far from the truth. I realize that me and Mr. Rohan are more than perfect for each other, we need each other. We fit together so well that sometimes it scares me.  We can create together something that is so much more than either of us and I LOVE it! I know that I talk a lot about how Coty and I have problems and how even though we do I know that we are meant to be and how much I love him even though I don’t sometimes. But I only do that because it is something that I am learning every day. I am learning that things don't have to be perfect 24/7. I am learning that everyone has their flaws. I am learning that love isn't finding someone who is perfect but being able to look past their flaws and see them as being perfect.

My favorite activity this summer has been watching my son grow. He is turning 2 in just over a month and it is crazy to think where the time has gone. He jabbers soooo much, but still isn;t making full sentences and I am ok with that. I know that one day he is going to come up to me and have plenty to say. He is definitely a stubborn child… I am not quite sure where he gets that ;). He is so much fun to watch grow and start to understand things. He loves rocking out on his guitar and he is quite the site to see when he is doing that. He is a very handsome little boy… and I am praying that I will be able to give him the life he deserves.

Background noise….

I started working again this week. Crazy to think it had already been 3 months since I had last worked, crazy to think that I have had to leave my son with my sister for the past 3 days (she is an amazing babysitter and I trust her with my everything). Crazy that I have to get up in the morning and getting ready to go somewhere and interact with the outside world.

It is so nice to go somewhere and not have people know who you are. I have been known to wear my emotions on my sleeve, so going somewhere and interacting with people that don't know me. I can go there, put a smile on my face, talk to people, make jokes and no one will really know the turmoil that may be going on inside. Now I am not saying that there has been major emotional turmoil behind these eyes.. but its nice to go and not have the expectations to up and chipper and running around.

Its nice to fade into the background and not have to lead the bunch…. even though that is probably going to change soon seeing as how I’ll be a supervisor in a sense….

What is True?

On my last blog I briefly mentioned God, and what comes to mind when you think about Him. I have been fighting internally with myself for some time. I do consider myself a very spiritual person, but religious … that was something that I could never come to terms with. 

I keep leaving this blog open, and coming back to it. There is so much inside of me, such a conflict of my own mind. I want to be able to go somewhere and better my relationship with God. But I am so afraid of the looks, the whispers, and the judgment. I know deep inside that all of those things from other people do not matter, yet I cant get my mind past it. Why do we care so much what other people think, in the end it is really all down to one Judge.

This Sunday, will be my first step in seeing if the Truth is really out there… wish me luck.

Cross that…

So I feel like I need to post something, I feel like I need to get stuff off my chest. I just don't know what I want to post about or relieve myself of. I’ve been sitting here almost all morning with my Blog Writer program open, and I’m staring at a blank page, and it’s staring me back and I think that it just might win.

Sometimes I feel like I have all these thoughts in my head, waiting to escape, waiting to show my true feelings. But I keep them in, because people wouldn't understand, because I am afraid of the reality. They stay locked up, threatening to explode from my body at any moment.

Sometimes there are so many thoughts running around inside of there, that I cant even keep track of them all. So how would I get them out?

I love life. I love the freedom that I have been granted, I love the country that I am blessed to live in.

I love that I have been able to make it to where I am in life. I never thought that this is where I would be, that I would settle down and have a family that I am taking care of. I never thought that if I did get this that I would be happy, but let me tell you I am ecstatic.

I know that it sounds cheesy, but its not. Its truth.