Sometimes it all seems so black. There is no hope in sight. I just need to accept the facts and come to terms. But how do you look at the one you love and tell them that you are too broken to provide what they want and desire in life?
Running away has never seemed so tempting.
Some days I feel like I am on an island, like no one can possibly come close to knowing what I am going through. I know that I am not the first person to be diagnosed with this and I know that I will not be the last person to hear this news. Yet there are still hours and days that I find myself stranded.
I have tried my entire life not to take the victim role in life, but this time it has been more than a daunting task put in front of me.
What do you do when your world around your is shattering around you and try as you might you can’t pick up the pieces fast enough?
I have learned that everything thing in life takes steps. There is no such thing as instant gratification. Even when you think that something was handed to you by the universe without an ounce of work from you... you are wrong. There will always be something missing... it will never fully satisfy. If you want to appreciate what you have and you want it to last than you need to get up and work yourself until you are dead tired and then keep going. That way when you achieve your goal you know that no one can take that away from you.
About two months ago I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome or disease depending on who you ask.
I got told that my son is a miracle.
I got told that chances of me carrying another pregnancy full term are very little.
I got told that my body doesn't do what it's supposed to when it's supposed to.
I heard that I won't be able to give my husband the big family he wants.
I heard that I will struggle with my weight and that i have to work harder than anyone around me.
I heard that my body is broken.
I was handed prescriptions that I will have to take for the rest of my life in hopes they control this.
I was handed too much information and my brain shut down.
Somedays I cope and think that I can face this head on. Other times I crawl into the corner of my mind and beg not to be disturbed.
My favorite movie …. That is so hard to answer… there are so many movies that I love to watch, so we’ll go with the top two.
Transformers – Who can deny these movies. Fast cars, hot girls, robots, fighting scenes (with robots non the less). I love all 3 of the new movies that have come out. These are the movies that I watch when I am in a excited wanting adventure and energetic mood.
P.S. I love you – This is a movie about a man that found out he was dying. Instead of taking the time to wallow in the self pity that many in this situation find themselves, he made an elaborate plan to take his wife on a journey of letters and treasures. Nothing have ever said true love to me more than this story.
Today marks one week for me having no soda… I haven’t drank anything more than water and milk so far. Luckily I am not having as hard of a time as I was expecting. The reason that this is a big mark for me is because it also marks one week of me changing my life around. I stopped drinking soda, I am trying my hardest to eat healthier, and I am going to get my life back.
When I got pregnant with the most amazing little boy I put on a lot of weight. I used the excuse that I was pregnant so I could eat what I wanted when I wanted and no one could question me. Well I was wrong, I should have known better, I felt like I had struggled with my weight all my life. But no, I ignored all “the smarts” that I am supposed to have, and went all out for it.
To add on top of all that needless eating that I had done for 9 months, I ended up spending a month on the couch after Jaiden was born because of the c-section that I had. Then I spent another 5 months not doing anything, but staying inside all day and watching TV. I never realized how bad it was until one day I walked outside (we were living with my parents at the time) and my Dad looked at me and said “What are you doing? You don’t come outside” It hit me that maybe I was really becoming that lazy person that nobody ever wants to be.
Well, here I am 3 years later and up until a week ago I haven’t made any changes in my life. I keep saying that I will, keep saying that I want to, but never ever following through. My weight has put so many unnecessary issues in my life. I am so down on myself that my marriage suffers. I don’t have the energy so I don’t play with my son like he deserves. I don’t have enough self worth to make me realize my full potential. It (the weight) has caused other emotional journeys that I still have a hard time thinking about them.
So here I am, taking a stand for my life and all those in it. I am going to make a change and this time there is no turning back or making excuses.
So I have decided to pick back on posting on the blog regularly and what better way to start that picking back up on the 30 day challenge that I started soooooo long ago :)
Headset - for my job… Gotta love it :)
Markers - simply because I am obsessed
Post Its - another thing for work … they litter my purse
Notebook and pen … because you never know when inspiration will hit you.
Normally girls carry wallets, driver license, debit cards and those things. But I have never been normal and I actually hardly ever carry a purse around with me. 99% of the time I carry from my car to my desk at work and then back at the end of the day and it stays in my car for the rest of the time. I can’t seem to attach myself to a purse, I don’t have that many things that are that important to me that I have to carry them around with me. My phone fits in my purse, my debit and credit cards usually are in my pocket, my middle console or on my bedroom floor and my keys are in my hands. It seems much easier than anything else.
