If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character... Would you slow down? Or speed up?

Friday, October 23, 2009

A few months ago I found out that my 16-year-old cousin is pregnant. That is a reality that I am having a hard time accepting. I used to babysit this girl when I was only 12 or 13. She comes from many broken homes and never had anywhere to really call her own home. Her mom abandoned her and her brothers when she was only 6 weeks old. Her dad was in and out of her life and has a second wife that he used to try and replace her real mom. She has 2 older brothers that have both been preoccupied with their own lives that they haven't had a chance to look over their younger sister like so many people seem to think older brothers should do. I haven't personally spoken with my cousin for close to 6 years now up until about a month and a half ago. Looking back now after learning where she is in her life I wonder how we all failed her while being so close to her. Here she is; young, innocent, and very alone in a world of people that all claim to be there for her. She found a young boy that said that he would be there for her, he claimed that he was going to take away all the pain and hate. She was awestruck when she met him and who could blame her? Here was her chance to have all the wrongs that were done against her made right. Here was her chance to break out of her life and start something new for herself. He promised her all the things that a man can promise, problem is that he is just a boy. They had a good time one night and didnt think about the reprocutions of what they were doing. She was in a world without her brothers or her father. She didnt have the support system that she had always dreamed of. Then the unthinkable happened, or was it really unthinkable? Was it something that was never supposed to happen, or was this her final cry for help? Things went great for a few days after the news hit home, then he realized that he didnt have the balls to be a father. She wanted him to drop his world of childish ventures and he wasnt ready to give that up. He told her to move in with her dad and step mom, into a little RV that my cubicle at work is bigger than it seems like. He told her it would give her more oppurtunities and then he would follow. How many times can someone lie before they are caught for it?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Mindless Self Indulgence

so looking at the budget today and talking about when we can spend money and not spend money it made me think about what put us in the economic crisis... We all talk about how we need to save and how putting money away now is the best bet to a better future... but if we aren't spending the businesses start failing and when that happens that means that people start losing their jobs so they cant save. It seems like we are stuck in a round about that maybe we will never get out of. And are we going to get out of this crisis by not spending and putting that extra money into savings? or should we put some in savings and then keep spending some.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Finally home...

So today at work one of the first people I talked to decided that by lying he would get what he wanted from me. After talking to him for almost 5 minutes and getting nowhere he finally said "i have been lying to you this whole time" Like all the sudden if he told me that he had been lying i was going to do what he wanted me to do. Well without saying it didn't get him the results he wanted, instead he started screaming at me so I hung up on him, and for some reason that brought me to tears. I sat there while typing in my notes about the call and wondered to myself "Why am i letting someone that has no idea who i am affect me this way?" I ended walking off the floor for a few minutes so that I could collect my thoughts so that the next person that called could benefit from the information I could give them. But all day I keep thinking back to it... Why do people think that lying is an option? I cant say that I have never lied, because that in and of itself would be a lie. But every time that I have it has eaten at me and gotten down to the very core of who I am. Lying goes back to when our world first began with Adam and Eve, when Satan lied to Eve by saying that if she ate the fruit she would not die. So is lying human nature? Or is it something that we are taught? and why ... even after seeing the ramifications of our actions do we still keep doing it? and does lying make us a bad person? If we lie because we know that it will save someones feelings does that mean we are a horrible person? I want to say that even after questioning this that I will never lie again, but that, again, would be a lie in and of itself. I want to say that thinking about this for over 8 hours has made me realize how lying gets us nowhere and if anything it sets us back 10 paces. But I can't come to terms with that. I know that I will never lie to save someones feelings ever again, I have seen that one come back on me too many times. But I cant say that I will never lie ever again, I owe myself too much honesty for that one.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Starting out

So here I am, 18 (turning 19 in a couple of weeks), married to a wonderful man, and a mother to a beautiful 10 month old boy. I sit here and think to myself, where did things go wrong? Did they go wrong? I know that if I had the choice I would do everything all over again, maybe I would wait a couple years, get some education under my belt and invest in a home. But I would still marry the same person, and pray that I was still blessed with the same son. People talk about teenage pregnancy like it is one of the most horrible things to happen, and don't get me wrong I don't exactly endorse the idea, but sometimes this path can save someone from themselves. I know that it saved me from a path that too many people I know have traveled and become more lost in a jungle than they will ever be able to pull themselves from. But who am I to judge someone else for the choices they make? I know that I never want to be judge by the choices that have led me to where I am in life. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had these choices not been made, I wonder where I would be in life? Would I be happy with the person that I would eventually come? Would I have the motivation to persevere my dreams? I know there is a lot of talk about how things that happen in your childhood push you to go one way or the other in life, sometimes I have a hard time believing that though, and other times I cant seem to think any other way. Looking back in life I wonder how I could be so stupid, how I could throw away so many oppurtunities without a second thought about it. But maybe that was all just leading to this moment in life, this amazing, once in a lifetime chance. The chance to find true love and start a family. Like the title says, this blog is going to be a rambling for me. Its going to be a chance for inner reflection and analyzing of self. It is going to be a chance for to fully understand the person that I have become, good and bad of it all. I dont imagine that I will accomplish much, nor will I remember to write daily like I should. But every day that I do write, I want to come out a better person with a better understanding. So to all that wish to come along, welcome to the journey. Keep all body parts inside at all times and please remain seated until the end of the ride.