If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character... Would you slow down? Or speed up?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Today marks one week for me having no soda… I haven’t drank anything more than water and milk so far. Luckily I am not having as hard of a time as I was expecting. The reason that this is a big mark for me is because it also marks one week of me changing my life around. I stopped drinking soda, I am trying my hardest to eat healthier, and I am going to get my life back.

When I got pregnant with the most amazing little boy I put on a lot of weight. I used the excuse that I was pregnant so I could eat what I wanted when I wanted and no one could question me. Well I was wrong, I should have known better, I felt like I had struggled with my weight all my life. But no, I ignored all “the smarts” that I am supposed to have, and went all out for it.

To add on top of all that needless eating that I had done for 9 months, I ended up spending a month on the couch after Jaiden was born because of the c-section that I had. Then I spent another 5 months not doing anything, but staying inside all day and watching TV. I never realized how bad it was until one day I walked outside (we were living with my parents at the time) and my Dad looked at me and said “What are you doing? You don’t come outside” It hit me that maybe I was really becoming that lazy person that nobody ever wants to be.

Well, here I am 3 years later and up until a week ago I haven’t made any changes in my life. I keep saying that I will, keep saying that I want to, but never ever following through. My weight has put so many unnecessary issues in my life. I am so down on myself that my marriage suffers. I don’t have the energy so I don’t play with my son like he deserves.  I don’t have enough self worth to make me realize my full potential. It (the weight) has caused other emotional journeys that I still have  a hard time thinking about them.

So here I am, taking a stand for my life and all those in it. I am going to make a change and this time there is no turning back or making excuses.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Day 22: What's in your purse?

So I have decided to pick back on posting on the blog regularly and what better way to start that picking back up on the 30 day challenge that I started soooooo long ago :)


Headset - for my job… Gotta love it :)


Markers - simply because I am obsessed

 post it

Post Its - another thing for work … they litter my purse



Notebook and pen … because you never know when inspiration will hit you.


Normally girls carry wallets, driver license, debit cards and those things. But I have never been normal and I actually hardly ever carry a purse around with me. 99% of the time I carry from my car to my desk at work and then back at the end of the day and it stays in my car for the rest of the time. I can’t seem to attach myself to a purse, I don’t have that many things that are that important to me that I have to carry them around with me. My phone fits in my purse, my debit and credit cards usually are in my pocket, my middle console or on my bedroom floor and my keys are in my hands. It seems much easier than anything else.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

One year later….

So here I am sitting at my Mom and Dad’s house waiting until the latest time that I can before I have to start getting ready for work and I keep thinking to myself that I really need to post something to get something off my chest, too bad I don’t know what it is.

Like I said in my last post, Coty and I are working on buying a house right now… Hopefully closing on it in the next few days (crossing all fingers and toes right now). Then we will have to move again and get our stuff situated and try to figure out where to put things… unpacking is so not fun. Our plan is to try and get things unpacked and moved in and situated before we move in… I guess we will see how that goes. I am so excited to be taking this step in life and so scared all at the same time.

We just celebrated one year since my mom came home from the hospital, it is so crazy to think that it has already been that long and look at everything that has changed in that time. I think that our family has been moving in the right direction for all parties involved. I have lost friends that were not healthy for me and found new friends that are good for me. It is nice to have a friend that will support you and not tear you down for their own satisfaction. I have come to a realization that I am worth more than I ever give myself credit for and I can do a lot of good for my family. In the past year Coty and I have grown our relationship and become stronger. Jaiden is getting so much bigger now.. and way too smart for my good, he frequently tells me instead of me telling him.

All in all, this has been a crazy year and I am so happy to be here.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


I haven’t posted on here in way too long, I totally forgot about my 30 day challenge because I have had a lot more challenges facing me. So… here’s the story…

One night when Coty was home and I was at work there was a knock on the door from a realtor that was asking if we had considered buying a house. Now of course Coty and I had tossed around the idea for a while, who doesn’t when they are renting apartments? But we never thought that it would come this soon. We decided that we might as well see what we could pre-qualified for though so that we had a better idea in the future.

Well one thing led to another and we started looking at houses. We knew that we would never buy in the Salt Lake valley since we could travel just outside the valley and get a lot of house for the same price as a little house in the valley. We first looked in Utah valley because we both love the area, then we decided to broaden our horizons, if you will, to Tooele valley. I was looking online one night and found this cute, adorable, little cottage like house and we wanted to go look at it. So we found a few others to look at to make a day out of it. We ended falling in love with a house, not the little cottage one but a newer, bigger one for not much more. It was amazing, it was the first house that we looked at that I immediately felt at home and started decorating in my head and wanted to put an offer in, right there, right then.

Well as all stories go, things didn’t work with the first house. We ended up getting out bid on the house. But that is what happens with HUD homes. So we moved on, our hearts heavy. (I totally giggled out loud when I wrote this) We found another house that was amazing but we needed more cash than what we had on hand and it would take a couple of days for us to get it. Before we could get the money, another offer was placed and accepted. So we started looking more, I was obsessed with looking at houses all night long online.

And there it was, the house that I would live in. It was the exact same floor plan as the first house, was completely finished in the basement, and was for sale. We put our offer in, after Coty went to look at it of course, and waited to hear back. It came down to our offer and someone else’s offer. The bank ended up countering ours and we accepted.

So that started the long road of getting everything ready and puts us where we are now. We have lined up somebody to take over our apartment, but they need to be in by the end of this week… which leaves us with the daunting task of packing up our apartment in just under a week. Coty and I work opposite shifts so it was up to us to be motivated on our own and blow through this place. We also have to move back in with my parents for a few weeks while we wait for the closing of the house.

So it is a long road, and we have a lot left ahead of us but we can do this and we will do it.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why?


I was looking through all of my pictures and decided this was the only that could come close to being my favorite of all time. Of course it is a bridal picture so I better like it somewhat, but I don’t really like pictures of myself. I feel like they never capture just right, or my head could have been turned just a little more to hide that chunk of chub there or something can always be just a little bit different. I guess that is what happens when you have low self esteem though, there are times that you just have to take what the picture gives you and go with it, even when you don't want to.

Since JR high I have had really bad self esteem, and I feel that I have done an ok job hiding it up until recently. But maybe that is just a lie to myself, maybe I have never really hid it and now I am just accepting the fact that it is there now. I feel so in a funk because of it and I know what I need to do to fix it, but the motivation for some reason isn’t ever there. Maybe I am a lost cause and in the depths of my brain I know that, but the rest of me hasn’t quite accepted that reality yet.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Day 20: Nicknames

I have so many nicknames I don’t think I could come up with all of them… So I will do the one that has stuck with me the longest.

Hannah Banana/Banana/Nanner

This one is really reserved for my family, especially Nanner. Growing up this is a name that everyone has called me at some point in my life. In elementary school all the kids teased me with this name and it drove me crazy. I would chase the boys around the playground that used this nickname, cuz ya know… that was the cool thing to do. I don’t know why the nickname frustrated me so much, it seemed like I wanted to be more than that and no one could see past the name. Most people that I encountered while growing up seemed to make a comment about banana’s. Then after I grew up and the kids around me grew up, the name stuck with my family and I realized that it was something out of love.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Day 19: Something you miss

I miss having my alone time. I think that every person, no matter who they are, deserves alone time. I know that I miss being able to have a few moments to myself each day to just vent and let the little things go so that I can focus on the big things in life. I miss being able to have a few minutes of silence where my brain doesn’t have to be going a million miles a minute to figure out the next move of those around me.

In that same thought though, the one person that has really caused me to miss out on that alone time is my wonderful little boy. I couldn’t give him up for the world. He is so amazing and constantly keeps me on my toes. He is growing up so fast I don’t think I can keep up most of the time.

So in all the ways that I miss having alone time… it is a small sacrifice for this life that I have been blessed with.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Day 18: Favorite Place to Eat

Definitely has to be my own home. Whether it is me making a meal or Coty barbequing something for us or simply throwing something together last minute and then chowing down. As long as it is at home then it is amazing. I think one of the reason that it appeals to me so much is because I know what is going into the food and I can make it my own. I can alter the ingredients to any recipe to make it fit my family.

I don’t cook at home nearly enough, right now it is really hard because I do work a later shift. Working 12pm to 8pm doesn’t really allow me to come home and make an amazing meal for my family. I think I am going to start working on using my crock-pot so that I can prepare a good meal for my boys to have and then some leftovers for me when I come home ;)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Day 17: Something you're looking forward to

3I am looking forward to celebrating my 3rd year being married to an amazing man. We have had our ups and downs, we have been in a place where we have had to fight to keep going and we have been on top of the world.

So for our 3rd anniversary we are going to steakdinner at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse and then to spend a weekend in the Romeo and Juliet room at the Castle Creek Inn.

  creek inn

Day 16: Dream house

Growing up I always wanted a house that is huge and grand, something that would make the rest of the neighborhood jealous. I wanted to be the girl pulling up in her driveway that people would awe at because they were envious of my living quarters.

Now I have a 2 year old and work a full time job and I have a hard time keeping up with a 2 bedroom apartment. So the first thing on my list of attributes for my dream home is definitely a self-cleaning one.

I want a house that is big enough that I don’t feel like we are living on top of each other. This is especially important if we plan on having more kids eventually. I want to make sure that the kids have their own space to go to when they want to play that doesn’t have to be their own room… a play room would be nice. I want Coty to be able to have an office so that he has somewhere to go when he needs to do his computer stuff. Then there is me… I want a room that I can have a computer set up as well that is also big enough to serve as a studio for the photography that I eventually want to do.

I want my house to have a good size yard as well. I want to be able to have barbeques in the backyard with friends and family and have enough room to go and play around and run and be active.

Is that too much to ask for?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Day 15: Bible verse

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 -

This is by far my favorite bible verse, it was read at our wedding. Now granted my Mom had school the bishop in this bible verse because he had no idea where it was in the bible or even knew it existed really. But Coty pulled through and wrote it out for the bishop to read.

I think the reason that this is my favorite is because I feel like there are times that we can all just say oh.. well we have love and we take it for advantage. I know that I can definitely take what I have for advantage and there are times that I have to stop myself and think about what I have been blessed with.

Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?


I have changed so much in the past year. I have come to a lot of realizations that have made the way I act on a day to day basis more like myself.

I have realized that I don’t have to bite my tongue to keep people that are supposed to be my friends happy. There have been so many times throughout my life during friendships that I just don’t say what is on my mind because I know that it will make someone mad or what ever the reason may be.  I have come to realize that I don’t have to do that any more. I don’t have to keep quiet just to keep a friend. If they truly want to be my friend they will accept everything about me… thoughts and all.

I have decided that outside opinions don't matter as much as I used to think that they did. Society can think what they will about me, but 95% of the time I shouldn’t care. I should be able to go out in public and have fun, chances are I’ll never see those people again anyways right?

I am starting to learn that I am a better mom then I have ever realized. I can’t compare myself to everyone around me, I am doing more than my best. My son is an amazing little boy and that is partly thanks to me. I just have to keep reminding myself that my son is better off with me here than with me gone.

I have changed so much in the past year because I am starting to be more comfortable with myself as a person. I won’t deny that I have things about myself that I need to fix and work on. I just have to keep reminding myself that change doesn’t come over night, but that you have to constantly be working on it.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Day 13: Goals

This post has been staring me in the face for a few days now… every once in a while I come to it and try to write something and then I end up deleting everything and walking away again. It has become a contest between me and this blank screen, and up until now I was losing drastically.

I have come to realize over the past few days that I don’t set goals for myself. I think it is because in the past I have set goals and then I don’t have the motivation to achieve them. It seems like motivation has always been a problem for me and I am not really sure why.

So my goal: is to finally set a goal and achieve it.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Day 11: Favorite tv shows


I love Pretty Little Liars. It is a show about four girls that are really good friends with a girl that went missing before the show started. A year after her disappearance is when we meet the girls and they are all getting these messages from someone named “A” that is blackmailing them and pretty much has it out for them. Of course the four girls band together as they are trying to figure out who this “A” person is. Of course secrets are uncovered and the only person that could know them is their friend that went missing that was found dead. Interesting right?


This is a pretty new show… there has only been 2 episodes but so far it is really good. It is about 3 young doctors that go to a clinic in South Africa to work there. They are getting used to not having all the modern day stuff like we do here in the US and they are having to find a way to work with the locals who mostly speak Spanish and don't always believe in modern medicine.


What more needs to be said about Glee? It is an amazing show that can evoke a lot of emotion out of me and I can’t wait for it to come back on.

vampire diaries

This is a great show about vampires. There are 2 brothers that are both vampires and there is a girl that is not. The one brother (Stefan) goes back to Mystic Falls because he wants to meet the girl (Elena) because she looks just like his ex (Katherine, who turned both him and his brother to vampires) whom every vampire thinks is dead. Well after Stefan meets Elena and they start to talk, the brother (Damon) shows up to start causing mayhem. Then they find out that all the vampires in the world pretty much are after Elena because she looks just like Katherine who turns out to still be alive. So Stefan and Damon band together to protect Elena.


The Biggest Loser has definitely became my favorite show to watch. It is giving me so much motivation to finally start changing my life for the better. I love being able to watch the show and take the journey with each of the contestants and I find myself cheering them on and getting anxious each week when someone has to go home. I love that this show is on TV because it is proving that everyone can do what they want to, just have to have motivation and the drive.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Day 10: Something you're afraid of



[feyl-yer]  Show IPA–noun 1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure. 2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.  3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops. 4. deterioration or decay, esp. of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary. 5. a condition of being bankrupt by reason of insolvency. 6. a becoming insolvent or bankrupt: the failure of a bank. 7. a person or thing that proves unsuccessful: He is a failure in his career. The cake is a failure.

Failure is my biggest fear. I am afraid that I will fail at life, afraid that I’ll fail at raising my child, afraid that I will fail at being a good wife to my husband. Sometimes I am not really sure what failure is. Who defines failure? Why does it seem to  always consume my life? I am so afraid sometimes that one wrong step will set me off on a downward tail spin to my end.

I pray every day that no matter what I wont fail, that my child wont suffer the consequences of my poor choices. I pray that my husband will be happy when he thinks about me and is happy that I am the one that he comes home to. These things haunt my dreams.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend

in the car

My husband is by far my best friend. He is someone that I know will be there for me no matter what, even if I piss him off he wont turn his back on me.  We haven’t had the dream life, but we do live a dream together. When we met I was only 16 and he had just turned 20. When we met I told him “I never want to get married and I never want to have kids.” I had just been in a very turmoil relationship and was still trying to recover, I also hadn’t planned on being in a relationship.

When I fell for Coty, I fell hard. He had literally just got out of a relationship and I wasn’t sure that he would be ready for me. Well I was willing to take the risk and it paid out.

When we found out I was pregnant, it was the January after I turned 17 and only a short 7 months after we met. Everything was a whirlwind from there. We got married March 2008, he watched me walk for my high school graduation in June 2008 when I was 6 months pregnant, I turned 18 August 2008 and then our wonderful son was born September 2008.

It is so crazy to look back and see how far we have come. I could have never imagined this would be my life when I met him. I figured that it would just be one chapter in my life, but it is becoming so much more.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Day 8: A place you've traveled to

Thanks to the in-laws we were very blessed to be taken on a 7 day southern Caribbean Cruise last June. It was so much fun and definitely the best vacation I have ever been on. We left port from San Juan, Puerto Rico and had stops every day. We visited St. Thomas, Barbados, Dominica, St. Lucia, St. Kitts, St. Maarten. 

This is the bay that we were dropped off in after going snorkeling while at St. Kitts. The place that we went snorkeling is called Shittens Bay.

 vacation 209

vacation 190

Here are some shots from the boat that we went snorkeling on

vacation 194  vacation 205  vacation 195

These are some pictures that I got while going on a tour of St. Lucia

vacation 122 vacation 153 vacation 171

This is us walking up the port of St. Kitts

vacation 185

This is the boat we were on for the cruise

vacation 018

Some pictures from St. Thomas after going on a ride to the top of a hill there.

vacation 019 vacation 025

Picture of the hill we went up in St. Thomas

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Picture of Coty and me on the cruise ship

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Coty and Jaime rocking out with the guys in Dominica

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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Day 5: A song to match my mood

Billionaire by Travis McCoy

[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
[Travis "Travie" McCoy]
Yeah I would have a show like Oprah
I would be the host of, everyday Christmas
Give Travie a wish list
I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt
And adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had sh-t
Give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this
And last but not least grant somebody their last wish
Its been a couple months since I’ve single so
You can call me Travie Claus minus the Ho Ho
Get it, hehe, I’d probably visit where Katrina hit
And damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did
Yeah can’t forget about me stupid
Everywhere I go Imma have my own theme music
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
[Travis "Travie" McCoy]
I’ll be playing basketball with the President
Dunking on his delegates
Then I’ll compliment him on his political etiquette
Toss a couple milli in the air just for the heck of it
But keep the fives, twentys (?) completely separate
And yeah I’ll be in a whole new tax bracket
We in recession but let me take a crack at it
I’ll probably take whatevers left and just split it up
So everybody that I love can have a couple bucks
And not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was
Eating good sleeping soundly
I know we all have a similar dream
Go in your pocket pull out your wallet
And put it in the air and sing
[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
I wanna be a billionaire so frickin bad!

Yupp… That pretty much sums it up.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Day 4: My Parents

So I am not really sure where to start with this blog post… My parents? Well what about my parents?
What are their names? Pamela (Pam) Jean and Kelvin Scott Anderson.
Where are they from?  Mom was born in Boise, ID and Dad was born in Salina, UT.
My parents are the reason that I am who I am today, but anybody’s parents are… right? If you would have asked me a few years ago whether or not I believed that I would have said no, absolutely not. I was the kid that believed that I had the most horrible parents in the world and I couldn’t come up with a good thing to say about them. Ask me today… I love my parents, I may not always get along with them but I definitely always love them. My dad and I have always seemed to understand each other pretty well, we can talk without really saying much and leave the room with the world lifted off our shoulders, or at least I know that is how I feel when I am done talking to him. My mom and I on the other hand have had our ups and downs. I can say though, that ever since I became a mom myself I have a new found respect for my mother.
Both of my parents are extremely strong people and I am glad to call them my parents. I am glad to say that I am a product of their teachings and I love them both dearly.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Day 3: Your first love

My first love.. well that is obvious Coty James Rohan. He is my first true love, the first boy to have come across in my life that I could completely trust and open up to. The moment I met him I could be myself around him and he could do the same around me. I not only love him, but I love who I am when I am around him and who he is helping me day by day become. He helps me be a better mother to our son all the time. I honestly believe that without him I wouldn’t have been able to make it where I am. IMG_9037He is my biggest supporter and closest friend.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

Mama – Because I am a mom. Literally, I have a child.  But it is also figuratively because all I can do is care for others. I know there are a lot of times that it may not seem as though I am continually looking out for people, but those that I care about… I am constantly making sure they are ok even if I don’t talk to them for a while or visit often … I check in.


Squeaks – Because I squeak when I laugh so I have inherited this as my nickname. I feel at times as though it sums me up pretty well. I can be a very fun outgoing person and I have been told that my personality can be as infectious as my laugh. I make people come out of their shells.

Squeaky Bleeps3

Ramblings – Well that is simple, I ramble when I talk. I go from subject to subject to subject without really ever saying much and since this blog is all about the things inside my head it seems fit to call it my ramblings.


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

My name is Hannah Marie Rohan. I am 20 years young, wife to an amazing man and mother to a gorgeous little boy. I am a paralegal at Lexington Law Firm where I love my job but I hate my hours. I am living life to the fullest every day and I am excited to see where this adventure takes me.  This is the most recent picture I have of myself… I tend to be behind the camera so I don’t get caught a lot. But this is all my family minus my 2 brothers-in-law.
This next part is going to be hard, I don't find things about myself interesting. I just see them as being part of me and I do not tend to be an interesting person.
15 interesting facts about myself:
  1. I am the youngest of 3 girls by 17 and 14 years
  2. I am the tallest girl in my family (I am slouching in the picture and heels take away my advantage)
  3. I love photography
  4. I suffer from insomnia
  5. If I could live anywhere it would be Seattle, WA or Clearlake, CA
  6. I used to have a dog that was 1 year older than me that passed away when I was 17
  7. I am a natural red head, though some would beg to differ that I am a natural blonde because of my actions :)
  8. I squeak when I laugh
  9. I broke both my elbows at the same time
  10. I have a very hard time holding a grudge against someone
  11. I got married, graduated high school, turned 18 and had my first child in that order and all in 6 months.
  12. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up
  13. I feel like running away some days and then I look at my son and remember why I am here
  14. I often wonder why I am so blessed after living a less than acceptable life
  15. I pray to God every day

Monday, January 3, 2011

30 Day Challenge

IMG_8967So I haven’t been posting for awhile and it is mainly because I can’t find inspiration anywhere to save my life :( although I do think that my posts will include a lot more pictures since i got an amazing new camera for Christmas :) (thanks husband). So to get the creative juices going, I am going to be doing a 30 day blog challenge… wish me luck :)

Day 0: The 30 Day Challenge Explanation and Description
Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3: Your first love
Day 4: Your parents
Day 5: A song to match your mood
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7: Favorite movies
Day 8: A place you've traveled to
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend
Day 10: Something you're afraid of
Day 11: Favorite TV shows
Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without
Day 13: Goals
Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?
Day 15: Bible verse
Day 16: Dream house
Day 17: Something you're looking forward to
Day 18: Favorite Place to Eat
Day 19: Something you miss
Day 20: Nicknames
Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why?
Day 22: What's in your purse?
Day 23: Favorite Movie
Day 24: Something you've learned
Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26: Your Dream Wedding
Day 27: Original Photo of the city you live in
Day 28: Something that stresses you out
Day 29: 3 Wishes
Day 30: a picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge