Momhood

I am MOM hear me ROAR! Hehe. For some reason while I was writing this post out at work (yes, the old fashion way with pen and paper) that first sentence would not leave my head. NO matter how many different intros I tried to write down, non of them felt quite right.

Yeah, that felt good. I feel like that, no matter how insignificant that may appear or sound to you, it really portrays my whole message. I’ve talked about not knowing who I am, or not truly knowing who I was. I’ve talked about trying to find myself and all the different ways that I thought I had accomplished the daunting task that no one is really sure they ever conquer. Looking back, I have never known who I was, or even who I was going to be. I have honestly never really had even the slightest hint on an idea what this life has in store for me, until the other night.

Of course it took an epic battle of mind and soul to realize I have found my niche, something that has been right in front of me for over 2 years. Something that has been coming for even longer. Something that has always been destined for me, even when I was choosing to be completely blind to it. But back to my epic battle of mind and soul.

We wont get into the details, because those can extremely boring all involved. But in the scheme of things I was told that I am an offensive person and that I cause fights and keep them going. Out of all the things that I have been called or accused in my life, those little words should have seemed miniscule in the bigger picture. But they hit home, they hit the deepest part of me and would not stop resonating inside of me. I removed myself from the situation and the words still hung around me. I felt like I had failed at the one thing I had been doing since I was born, living. I had failed at all the key roles in my life. I could no longer be a daughter, a sister, a wife or a mom. I was no longer a fit in my life or in the lives of those around me. I was broken person and I was bringing down those around me. I had shattered into a million a pieces and I knew the perfect solution to save those I was so badly affecting. I was going to disappear.

It sounded great. I packed my bags, I grabbed only the essentials and left everything else. I could barely see because the tears were free flowing and clouding my vision. I wrote a letter to the 2 men of my life with a shaky hand and a breaking heart, then I set forth on my new life. In my mind this was the best option that my son had at having any chance in life. By the time that I reached my car, the tears had mostly stopped and I could see better. When I went to throw my bag in my back seat, my sons car seat was in the way and it hit home that I could never see him again. It hit me that this was really happening, all the times that I had thought about it were nothing now that I was acting on it. I got behind the wheel and I left, not knowing where my car would take me.

I was running away from my problems, figuring that it would fix everything for all involved. I got a text not too long after i left, that my son had been looking forward to seeing me when he got home and was disappointed when I wasn't there. I was still convinced though that me not being there would be better for him. I had sold myself on the idea that if I wasn't around his chance of making it out of this place would be so much better.

After lots of tears and lots of confessions on my part to Mr..Coty i decided to turn around and go home. Although I am still not so sure if I am the best person to raise my boy, I will try my hardest and keep praying along the way.